Finding My Voice
/My Beloved Mia…
How has it been one year today that you transitioned from this earth? I haven’t been able to find the words and actually grasp the deep loss of one of the most incredible beings, friends, and teachers I had the honor to know. I will try now. I am blessed that Mia continues to share this journey with me, even though I still ache for her presence in the form I knew.
Knowing and loving Mia has been a sacred blessing in my life. I will never forget the day when she was being introduced to her first group of us women volunteers and staff at the Wolf Connection. Even though she had been with us for a short while, it was the first time I truly saw her. It was magical. I felt my body light up inside. I was incredibly curious and touched by her presence. I took in every moment. The way she lowered her body to the ground and her eyes became so focused and intent as she took all of us women in. Although Mia was cautious, her courage and inquisitiveness propelled her to continue. She didn’t let fear stop her from taking life in.
After that day, I felt this pull to connect with Mia and get to know her more deeply. I started to sit with her every time I came. To be in the presence of this fierce and sensitive animal that embodies her wild wolf nature automatically challenged me to feel and know my own nature even more. This was one of her teachings that truly changed me. Mia knew her worth and boundaries; building a bond with her took time. It required being grounded, embodied, patient, and completely present. Not in my head or the story about her. Over time our bond grew deeper. We loved our time together, especially our long solo hikes along the creek. Being with her filled my heart and eased my body, mind, and spirit. I loved how Mia had this little bounce in her step and how her long, lush tail would happily swing as she enjoyed savoring the scents along the numerous trails we walked. And how she was a bit of a flirt with only a few other male wolves she would allow to join her on hikes.
Gratefully Mia, along with her two incredible pack members, Theo and Buddy, were surrendered to us by their previous caretaker in 2019. He was trying to hide them in a residential neighborhood in Los Angeles County from Animal Control, being that it is illegal to own these majestic animals. But one thing he couldn’t hide with these high content wolf-dogs was their howl. He claimed to love them so much that fearing confiscation, he had Mia and Theo’s vocal cords removed. Buddy didn’t howl as much so his were left intact. The day they arrived we were informed of this shocking trauma and we all gasped. “How could someone try and silence a wolf…to remove a wolf’s howl?” This was the first teaching, no one can! Remarkably, both Theo and Mia found a way to howl in their own unique ways.
Mia howled with her pack in this very soft sound that resembled a whisper in the wind. I witnessed her several times leading the entire pack with her howl too. Sitting with Mia as she lifted her head back and passionately called out in this primal and ancient act, always filled my heart and touched my soul. What a fiery force of nature! She howled because it was an expression of who she was, a call to her pack, her boundary - no, yes! And it was seemingly taken from her. But being a wolf, so powerful and resilient, Mia could not be stopped by this type of injury or trauma. This is where she teaches us: “What if our trauma reveals our strength instead of our brokenness and illuminates the truth of who we are...”
This beautiful teacher taught me that I am not my trauma. It is only part of my story. Being with Mia over the years, I got in touch with the parts that didn't have access to my voice and the parts of myself that I hid out of survival. Unconsciously, shoving down my words and trying to silence the essence of who I was as a child to fit in because of the complexity and pain of untreated trauma within and outside the home. In adolescence, I learned to scream, howl, and rage, trying to find my voice, to be heard and challenge the adults who were not present or speaking the truth. I pushed and provoked to get my needs met. But most people didn’t know how to hear or know me so I became the “problem”. My feelings and sensitivity were too much. So, as young people tend to do to cope, I internalized that I was too much. Now, I can understand and own that my rage or fierceness was part of my wild that was fighting for truth, self-protection, and authentic connection. Gratefully, over time with a lot of work from all involved, my family and I did find a healing path together and had a deep connection. Over the last 6 and 1/2 years, I consider Wolf Connection and our 2, 3, and 4 legged pack to be another family to me and have helped me be the woman I am today.
But it was Mia who took me to an untouched place and taught me to face my fear and own my fierceness without apology. How to be fully present and in my body when leashing and leading her on our hikes. She taught me how to work with the other wolves who had trauma and were fierce like her and to listen to my inner wild and intuitive heart. My connection with Mia helped heal my trust in opening my heart more deeply, speaking my truth and truly knowing our ancient connection with one another. Now, through her medicine, I continue to speak up, sometimes softly or boldly, and instead of communicating from my wounds, I speak from my wisdom. Thank you for blessing me with the honor of being with you when you peacefully and gracefully laid down after our final joyful walk and transitioned onto the other side. Thank you Mia for being the force of nature that can never be silenced, for changing my life to the core, and for sharing a love that I will treasure forever. I love you, my Mia girl.